Sometimes i strongly feel like checking outta here permanently. It's the stabbing whatever the fuck hurt you wanna call it that my body feels from the heart from head to toe..to my fucking soul..........that pushes those thoughts.  Just for some damn pain relief...and to be a bother to others no more.  

My heart is unwell. My mind too full and scattered. My body...totally closed. Food makes me sick. What is this all about?

Many things. Transparency is the goal...but in the moment it feels so hard. Because this might be seen and exposed.  The exposing of a wreck. Of a weak and vulnerable..........   Why does vulnerability equal to weakness in anyone's eyes?  It is in certain times indeed a strength to reveal none... However, in actuality..vulnerability could be one of the greatest strengths of all.  

So my goal is to be vulnerable, to be open, to be clear... Vulnerable in the sense that in the end my love for you will win. I have love for you and I want you to be yourself...even if that means it's gonna gut my core..

Any aggressiveness or abrasiveness is simply or complicatedly for feelings preservation. My feelings...keeping contained or 'strong" for so long...got me all cracked up and breaking down. I am in human form..so I'm only human going through human emotions. My force doesn't mean i care less. Self expression for me is difficult.  So many years i spent not actually verbalizing much....and internalizing everything. This is like learning to speak and express again. Seriously.  Hopefully things can change for better........

August 22nd 2020 - The shit gotta be cut. Fuck the cake.

 People say it's bad taste to share these types of things publicly.. but i'm sharing because this is real, this exists, and i feel like it shouldn't be continuously swept under the rug. I won't allow it. Certain accountability has to be taken. It is hard to face the hard things....but why not?  Why is it ok to suffer in silence? For either side...why is a zipped mouth the standard. And fake togetherness. The shit gotta be cut. Fuck the cake.

I have an extreme pet peeve. Well it itself isn't extreme..it's my dislike that is so strong.  So... i absolutely have an issue with absentee biological parents being delusional in the sense that...when the mood strikes them- they feel as if they can press you, insult you, and disrespect. All in the name of they are the elder and "parent"             I don't bow simply for that. Someone was sadly mistaken.  All my life this person didn't check on me or be a consistent figure.  Not even as I went through some of my hardest trials...which was literally a life and death situation. This man never even gave a thought. My shy social anxiety ass even reached out to him several times and he told me, he was too busy to talk to me. Seriously.  The person who impregnated my mom basically. Then changed his mind since some woman planted questionable seeds. Abandoned me my whole life... then in my early 20s tried to turn me against my mother. And NOW, he hunts me down for his wife and a dna test. Crazy shit. He's not too busy now to bother me about insignificant things.    Then he doesn't even answer the hard questions. Maybe i come across too abrasive, but that shouldn't matter..because like he told me this statement it applies to him very much so "he was asking for it"

So the hard truth for me really is just realizing that he doesn't care, and most likely never did.  Any boohoo speech made is only for his guilty conscience and to delude himself.  The men in my life disregard and trash me.. and it all started with my "father." The donor of my life.

Well I have my mom, whom I did not, and still do not always get a long with. But she is a strong figure in my corner. Both of my grandmothers as well. My mama (mom's mom) does everything..and she is the most caring.  My grandmother in Tobago which is my absentee parent's mother...she did her best to maintain a connection with me all of those years. It was only her face that I saw from that side of the family.  She came around, and always made sure I was loved.

I don't know what i'm doing with this blog.  Not at all. But i wanna work out my thoughts and see them. The only thing that can keep up with the fast flowing thoughts of my mind are my typing fingers... as opposed to my writing hand..

 And it's ok if you see them too. (all the thoughts) So you can be ok.  I'm sharing my struggles so you know you can rise.  And so i can believe we can......... Maybe one day things will make sense. Even to me.